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It Happened
He was the first man I ever loved. It took me a while to find out that I MARRIED A HOMOSEXUAL
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
After that attempt to rehabilitate our relationship through counseling, I wasn't able to get anything more out of Paul. Since I wanted so desperately to understand what was happening to him and how badly this change in him was affecting our marriage, I asked his family's help. Sadly, I discovered that none of them knew anything about Paul's 'secret life.' But I could not let things end there-as Paul's wife, I felt I had to get to the bottom of it all.
Meanwhile, I tried to make our marriage work, single-handedly. I loved Paul very much and I owed it to us both to save our marriage at whatever cost. In my whole life, I have never felt such tremendous love for anyone. I was not a very prayerful person, and yet I knew that the Lord was looking after me. I persevered and stayed married to my husband.
THE FINAL BLOW
The answers I desperately sought for were revealed to me in 1994, during the eighth year of our marriage. I arrived late from work one night and found the house empty. Strange, I thought. Paul usually came home before I did. When he arrived I asked where he went and why he was late. Paul said that he went to see a movie with an old college schoolmate, Bert (not his real name), who brought along Steve (not his real name), a common friend of theirs whom he met a few months back. As I listened to Paul's explanation, I could sense something different about his night out. Call it gut feel, but I had a strong feeling that there was more to this reunion with old buddies than he was willing to admit. So strong was my hunch that as we were preparing to sleep, I turned to Paul and called him a liar.
He then retorted, "Why are you calling me a liar?"
For some reason, I held myself back and let the issue go. We went to bed without clearing the air between us, and that made me feel bad. So the following day, after Paul went to work, I decided to take the day off. I thought of cooking his favorite meal for dinner as my way of patching up things between us.
He came home and we had lunch together. But Paul hardly spoke to me during the meal and I noticed that he did not eat much, either. He excused himself from the table saying that he wanted to rest. With a heavy heart, I cleared the table and tidied up the kitchen. After a few minutes I also went up to our room. I didn't find Paul there, so I guessed he was in the shower. Instead, on top of my dresser, I found a letter that Paul probably wrote while he was at the office. I dreaded reading it, but when I finally did, I cannot help but be hurt and surprised at the same time.
In the note, Paul wrote that he wanted to end our relationship. I was taken aback by his decision, as I had no idea that ending our marriage was what he had in mind all along. As if on cue, he came out of the bathroom, so I asked him if ending the union was what he really wanted. When he said yes, I demanded that he tell me the one person who knew about his problems, to whom he had confided his plans. Paul said he had told Steve, the friend he had met a few months back.
The truth hit me hard, like a punch in the gut. Paul was gay. The pain I felt was indescribable. I had been his wife for eight years, but he preferred to open up his sentiments to a man whom he had recently met! I sat still for a while. In the deafening silence of our bedroom, I tried to digest what had just taken place. Finally, I resigned myself to the thought that I had no choice but to let him go. I asked him to let me leave the house first, and then he could pack his stuff up and go.
I went to see a friend of mine, just to let off some steam. A few hours later, I decided to come home. As I was on my way back, I was hoping Paul would still be there. I was wrong. He had already left. Frantically, I called Paul at his parent's place and begged him to come back. He was surprised at how all this was affecting me, and how he always thought of me as a tough cookie. After much pleading, Paul relented and came back.
The following months were the most difficult times I ever had. Paul and I continued to live together but he would often go out of town alone, or so I thought. He would be gone for a week and then come back, not saying much about whom he had been with and what his business was. It bothered me that I was becoming suspicious of his activities while he was away but I put up with it. Obviously, I was in a state of denial. I kept everything to myself and pretended that things were okay. My family and friends had no idea what was happening between my husband and me. But for me, it was an endless nightmare.
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OTHER FEATURES
Do I Need to Join a Catholic Group to go to Heaven?
ONE LAST STORY: Time of the Jubilee C O L U M N S
Be Faithful to Who You Are
A Christmas Meditation
Why LSS?
Just for the Record, It's not the Flu
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